C. S. Lewis had a point. Rats in the cellar aren’t made by the door slamming open. They were there. The sudden light just stopped them hiding. Provocation doesn’t create temper. It exposes it.
I kept that in mind. When a kid handed me a truth bomb I wasn’t ready for.
Baden. Three. Maybe four. Curly hair bouncing. He drew us. Flying kites. His favorite color, red, smearing the page. I was stick figures with hands on my hips. Egg-head hair sprouting like springs.
But the eyebrows.
Sharp. Downward. Arrows of pure annoyance.
“I made you look mad by accident,” he said. “But you’re really happy.”
One eyebrow went up. Left side only. My teens mimic this move daily.
“Am I usually mad?”
“Well. You’re mad a lot.”
Silence.
“Not in the picture.”
“I’m mad a lot?”
His eyes moved away. Flickered. Looking at the floor. The marker cap. Anything but my face.
“Sometimes,” he corrected. “When we break things important to you.”
That hit.
Bad timing too. Hormonal week. Anyone over four feet knew it. The kids were short. To them I just seemed irritable. Always. Irrevocably so.
I tried to stop the anger. Prayer. Effort. Real work. But looking at that drawing. Realization stuck.
I had a problem.
The Fire Starts Small
I could prove I’m nice. Cards. Examples. The nurturing stuff. Smoke and mirrors.
But it hides the truth.
I overreacted. Often. Hurtfully. I brought a gun to a fist fight.
Typical anger isn’t harmless.
It burns. Kids’ feelings are tender. Fire works. Why make them build walls? Hide parts of themselves to stay safe from me?
Had to look close. At the fuel. At the damage. No excuses. No ego.
Fixing this means cutting the fuel. Handling conflict. Building the house instead of tearing it down. Wisdom. Not folly.
Studies back this. Emotional regulation in parents creates emotional smart kids. Empathy. Problem-solving. Letting feelings out healthy.
One review. 53 studies. 20 years of data. Parents who handle feelings raise kids who handle theirs. Less anxiety. Less depression.
Clear.
What About The Mess?
I lose it again.
So. Emotional control matters. Intensely.
But self-compassion? With kids?
Anger ruins things. Real damage. Yet the idea suggests God offers compassion. Deep redemption. His anger is slow. Not a rage that consumes us. He made us resilient. Built to recover. To conquer despite the breaking.
Confession. Repentance. Redemption.
This beats flawlessness. Any day. Saying you need Jesus works. Lacking self-mercy makes failure bigger than God. It lies.
Jackie Hill Perry writes about this. Godliness isn’t rigidity. It isn’t just dying to sin. Sometimes we fail to believe Christ actually cares. He has sympathy.
Death or life in the tongue.
True when talking to yourself.
Does self-forgiveness restate mercy? Love? Grace? Or is it fear. Judgment. Lifesucking doubt? Believing the screw-up defines you instead of the One who redeems it.
We break things. Yes. But the story doesn’t end in the wreckage. It ends in the repair.
The question is just what you choose to hold onto after the shouting stops.
